BBC Ideas｜如何与你讨厌的人共事？

How to work with someone you hate | BBC Ideas
I remember once working with a woman who found it really frustrating that someone in her office loudly ate rice around lunchtime every day and her metal fork would constantly be hitting against the bowl. And she was so annoyed by it that she was actually going to go out and buy a wooden fork for this person. When you think we spend half our waking life at work if there's someone who really gets under your skin, it's crucial to cross that divide.
我记得有一次和一位女士共事，她发现办公室里有人每天午餐时间都大声地吃米饭，她的金属叉子会不停地敲打碗，这让她非常沮丧。她为此非常恼火，甚至打算出去给这个人买一把木叉子。想想看，我们有一半的时间是在工作中度过的，如果有人真的让你很不爽，那么跨越这个鸿沟是至关重要的。

We've probably all worked with people we don't like but really? You hate them, you actually hate them? That takes an enormous amount of energy and it makes little or no difference to them. If they've really done something totally illegal or horrendous, there's probably much better remedies for it.
我们可能都与自己不喜欢的人共事过，但真的吗？你讨厌他们，你真的讨厌他们？这需要耗费巨大的精力，而且对他们几乎没有任何影响。如果他们真的做了完全违法或令人发指的事情，可能会有更好的解决办法。
Tip 1: Face the problem 直面问题
Most of the time we find that people want to avoid having a conversation with the other person because they dislike them, but if you don't talk about it, it won't get better by itself. So some people try to put it off and develop coping mechanisms but it rarely makes the situation much better and soon it's years down the line and you're still in the same boat, hating this person. It doesn't have to be like this. A bit of short-term pain, i. e. a difficult but open and honest conversation with the person you dislike, can bring a long-term gain.
我们发现，大多数时候，人们因为不喜欢对方而想避免与对方对话，但如果你不谈论这个问题，情况就不会自己好转。因此，有些人试图拖延时间，建立应对机制，但这很少能让情况好转，很快几年过去了，你仍然面临同样的问题，讨厌这个人。其实不必这样。短期的痛苦，即与你讨厌的人进行一次艰难但坦诚的谈话，可以带来长期的收获。

Tip 2: Check your personal narrative 检查你的自我陈述
We get people telling us we're intimidating when we think we're really cuddly or telling us that we're shy when we consider ourselves thoughtful and serious. So think about what you give off to other people. Here's Ali. He's very bright. He's quite young, he's very highly educated. He's just got a great job so he's sent to a conference and because, as well as being bright, he's rather modest he decides that he'll keep quiet, pretty much, and he'll just observe what's going on and listen to people who are more experienced.
当我们认为自己很可爱时，别人却说我们很吓人；当我们认为自己很体贴、很严肃时，别人却说我们很害羞。所以，想想你给别人留下了什么印象吧。这是阿里。他非常聪明。他很年轻，受过高等教育。他刚找到一份很好的工作，所以被派去参加一个会议，因为他很聪明，也很谦虚，所以他决定保持沉默，他只是观察正在发生的事情，倾听那些更有经验的人的意见。

The people around him who have heard how bright he is and how well-educated see him being a bit restrained and a bit withheld and start to think, "He's a bit aloof." "He doesn't rate us." "He thinks he's too good for us." And so they start to freeze him out. We end up with a situation where everybody's misunderstanding each other and nobody is getting the benefit of their different abilities and experiences.
他身边的人听说他有多聪明，受过多好的教育，看到他有点克制，有点含蓄，开始认为，“他有点冷漠。”“他不评价我们。”“他觉得我们配不上他。”于是他们开始冷落他。我们最终会陷入这样一种境地：每个人都误解了彼此，没有人能从他们不同的能力和经验中获益。

Tip 3: Get their perspective. 理解他们的观点
Ask questions and seek to understand the other person's viewpoint. Then show them you've understood their viewpoint by summarising back to them what they have said — an incredibly powerful little tool for building rapport. Too often, people just try to persuade others of their case but if you show that you're open to listening to the other person and genuinely want to understand where they're coming from, you'll have a much more constructive conversation.
问问题，试图理解对方的观点。然后通过总结他们所说的话来表明你已经理解了他们的观点——这是建立融洽关系的一个非常强大的小工具。很多时候，人们只是试图说服别人相信他们的观点，但如果你表现出你愿意倾听对方的意见，并真诚地想了解他们的想法，你会进行更有建设性的对话。

I remember once in a mediation where one person shouted at the other "You're a pathological liar!" Now I don't have a problem with someone saying that if that's how they feel but I do actually with how it's worded. If you tell someone they're a liar, they'll automatically disagree. We all would. But if you calmly point out that on this occasion and this occasion they have lied to you, you can have a conversation about it without them getting as defensive.
我记得在一次调解中，一个人对另一个人大喊:“你是个病态的骗子!”我不介意有人这么说，如果这是他们的感受的话，但我对他们的措辞有意见。如果你说某人说谎，他们自然会不同意。我们都会如此。但如果你冷静地指出是在这种情况下，并在这种情况下，他们对你撒了谎，你就可以就此展开谈话，而不会让他们变得那么有戒心。

It's probably not personal. Remember that you don't have to learn to like the person that you're in conflict with — you just have to work with them. Be willing to challenge your assumptions and then learn from that. Welcome others' ideas and approaches. Be yourself, be open, be honest about your own strengths and contributions. The really great thing is if you're doing those things, not only does it diminish that feeling of dislike and make you better at working with people, but you might actually get to enjoy working with them.
这很可能不是针对你个人。记住，你不必学着去喜欢与你有冲突的人——你只需要与他们合作。要愿意推翻自己的臆断，然后从中学习。欢迎其他人的想法和方法。做你自己，敞开心扉，坦诚地对待自己的长处和贡献。最重要的是，如果你做到了这些，不仅会减少厌恶的感觉，使你更善于与人共事，而且你可能真的会喜欢上与人共事。

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