The school of life｜为什么不被爱的人反而会恨自己

The school of life｜为什么不被爱的人反而会恨自己 Why Unloved People Hate Themselves
What happens to a child who isn't loved properly? The answer one might expect is that they start to hate the person who doesn't give them the love they need. But far from it, the reality is that the child becomes filled with shame - a sense that it's profoundly unworthy, dirty, soiled, sinful, ugly, embarrassing.
童年缺爱的小孩将会经历什么呢？我们通常会以为，他们可能会怨恨没有给予他们应有之爱的人。但事实并非如此，实际上，缺爱的孩子更有可能会觉得自己不够好，觉得自己低贱、肮脏、有罪、丑陋，让人尴尬，这种羞耻感会深深地影响他们的内心世界。
The child is unable to redirect the blame outwards; it doesn't ask: what's wrong with my parents for not loving me adequately? It simply wonders in a forlorn way: what have I done wrong in order to have ended up on the receiving end of my parents' disapproval?
孩子们往往不会把责任归咎于外界，他们不会去质疑：“为什么我的父母不能给予我足够的爱，是不是父母有什么问题？”相反，他们常常在绝望中自我反省：“我到底哪里做错了，为什么会得不到父母的认可？”
The child prefers to attack itself for being bad than to confront a yet more awful possibility that it's entirely dependent for its well-being on inadequate and unkind parental figures. The child searches for explanations for the lack of love it has to endure and comes up with all the wrong answers.
孩子更倾向于攻击自己，觉得自己有问题，也不愿面对更加可怕的一个真相：自己的幸福完全依赖不够好也不够温柔的父母。在试图理解为什么自己得不到足够的爱的过程中，孩子找到了很多答案，但遗憾的是，都是错误的答案。
It concludes "I've not been impressive enough', and therefore it undertakes enormous efforts to prove to itself and outsiders that it does, nevertheless, deserve to exist.
孩子最终的结论是：自己不够优秀。因此他们开始付出极大的努力，想要向自己和他人证明，尽管自己不够好，他仍然有存在的价值。
At school, this kind of child might try seven times as hard as any other to show that it's clever and good. Or else, a child may go down an antisocial route and graffiti the nearby underpass as a desperate way of giving outward form to a feeling of badness it's tortured by inside.
在学校，缺爱的孩子可能会付出其他孩子七倍的努力，只是为了证明自己聪明且品德优良。然而，有的孩子可能会走上叛逆的道路，比如在附近的地下通道进涂鸦，这是他们试图以一种外在的方式，绝望地表达内心深处的痛苦和“不够好”的感觉。
There is so sadly no way out from the burden of shame -available either by trying to be extremely good or extremely bad. The only solution is to work against the grain of forgetting in order to perceive, for the first time, an awful possibility that one could never perceive as a child; that one has done nothing wrong at all; that wrong was done to one.
可悲的是，无论如何极力表现得非常好或非常坏，都无法真正摆脱羞耻的重负。唯一的出路是直面童年被父母忽视的事实，去认识到在童年时期无法理解的可怕真相：其实自己根本没有做错什么；真正的错误是别人对自己的所作所为。

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