Does true love always conquer all?
We tend to assume that anyone who tells us that they love us – but simultaneously insists that they don't believe we should be together – is lying. If love is sincere, of course it won't stop at any obstacles, however large. You either love a person and then will fight till the end to be with them or don't love them and will walk away. There isn't, there can't be, any third category that isn't just a deceit.
Underneath this uncompromising stance lies an ideology of Romanticism that insists that true love has nothing to do with practicalities. The romantic novelist D. H. Lawrence captured this absolutist view when he wrote: 'A man in love will sleep for the rest of his life on a park bench for a woman he loves.'
And so by extension, if there are children from another relationship, if there is no money, if one of the parties lives abroad, if someone has a mental illness, if there are cultural differences, if long-term goals point in contrasting directions, there will always be a way for love to succeed.
But there is another philosophy at large, more restrained and less esteemed, that balances a respect for emotions with an equal respect for the practical dimensions of life. This philosophy knows that however tender and sympathetic our feelings may be, they cannot entirely mitigate or erase the impact of social ostracism, opposed friendship groups, clashing values, ongoing distance, incongruous life stages, continuous alarm – or park benches.
If we understand love as ultimately focused on the care and nurture of another person, should we continue to label as loving a relationship that necessarily mires our partner in a succession of avoidable miseries? Are we so uniquely fitted to be with them as to justify the suffering our presence entails? Might our so-called love for them not in the end have more to do with our satisfaction than their fulfilment?
There are of course liars who will dress up their escapes as acts of generosity, but there are as many true lovers who quietly sacrifice themselves on unheralded altars of resignation.
It is hugely honourable – and very moving – to do one's utmost to be with someone. But it may be greater love still to adore a person – and then, before wasting any more of their time, to leave them well alone.
词汇表
deceit [dɪˈsiːt] n. 欺骗，欺诈，谎言
uncompromising stance [ʌnˈkɒmprəmaɪzɪŋ stæns] 不妥协的立场，强硬的立场
ideology [ˌaɪdiˈɒlədʒi] n. 意识形态，思想体系，观念
Romanticism [rəʊˈmæntɪsɪzəm] n. 浪漫主义（18世纪末至19世纪初的艺术、文学和音乐运动）
absolutist [ˌæbsəˈluːtɪst] adj. 绝对主义的；n. 绝对论者
practicality [ˌpræktɪˈkæləti] n. 实际情况，现实考量
by extension [ɪkˈstenʃn] 由此类推，进而
contrasting [kənˈtrɑːstɪŋ] adj. 对比鲜明的，截然不同的
philosophy [fəˈlɒsəfi] n. 哲学；理念，人生观
restrained [rɪˈstreɪnd] adj. 克制的，内敛的
esteemed [ɪˈstiːmd] adj. 受人尊敬的，令人敬重的
mitigate [ˈmɪtɪɡeɪt] vt. 减轻，缓解（危害、痛苦等）
social ostracism [ˈɒstrəsɪzəm] 社会排斥，被社会孤立
clashing values 价值观冲突
incongruous [ɪnˈkɒŋɡruəs] adj. 不协调的，不一致的，错位的
alarm [əˈlɑːm] n. 惊恐，不安，担忧
mire [maɪə(r)] vt. 使陷入困境，使陷入泥潭
a succession of [səkˈseʃn] 一连串的，一系列的
entail [ɪnˈteɪl] vt. 牵涉，导致；使必要，需要
unheralded [ʌnˈherəldɪd] adj. 不为人知的，默默无闻的，未宣布的
altar [ˈɔːltə(r)] n. 祭坛，圣坛
resignation [ˌrezɪɡˈneɪʃn] n. 放弃，退出；顺从，无奈接受
honourable [ˈɒnərəbl] adj. 可敬的，高尚的
adore [əˈdɔː(r)] vt. 爱慕，崇拜；喜爱，热爱
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