How to Tell If You Have Been Gaslit



We're unlucky enough if we meet with people who want to do us wrong, show us contempt and take advantage of us. But this is as nothing next to the monumental bad luck of encountering people who do all this to us while also being extremely skilled at pretending that they aren't; those master manipulators who are at once innocent-seeming and, deep down, profoundly scheming.



These people won't only hurt us, they will do something far worse: rob us of our understanding of ourselves, strip us of basic trust and, along the way, for a time, make us lose our minds.



There are people we can take up with who have been so badly hurt by something in their early lives that they are committed to exacting revenge on anyone who comes too close to them:



They may semi-consciously be seeking to exorcise on their partners a latent rage against a dead or depressed parent, they may want to punish a bullying sibling, or release themselves from a sense of intolerable vulnerability created by an incident of early abuse.



When we meet with difficulties, we have two explanations to fall back on: the first is to doubt ourselves. The second is to wonder whether, and how, the other person might be ill. If we almost always pick the former, it's because of how familiar and reassuring it is not to take our own sides.



It is so much easier for us to think that we are (as they also quickly tell us) irrationally prone to anger, over-excited, 'insane' and complaining for no reason – rather than deep in a relationship with a cruel soul.



Those who are most prone to being gaslit in adult love are, sadly of course, the very people who may have been gaslit by their own parents. The idea sounds yet more curious, but parents too can be adept at polishing their reputations and will insist that they are kind – while simultaneously expending enormous hostility on their thoroughly confused child.



Despite decades of training in self-doubt, we may need to do a remarkable thing: trust in what our unhappiness is telling us about those we think of as good. The test isn't whether they tell us they love us, it's how at peace they make us feel.



We may have to accept that the world is filled with some very dangerous people who look entirely safe to our fatefully untrained eyes. We may need to think a bit less badly of ourselves and substantially worse of some sweet-seeming characters who claim with great sincerity to love us – and don't.



词汇表

gaslight [ˈɡæslaɪt] 煤气灯操纵，情感操纵（指通过扭曲事实、否认现实等方式，使受害者质疑自身认知和判断力的心理操纵手段）

contempt [kənˈtempt] 轻视，蔑视，鄙视

monumental [ˌmɒnjuˈmentl] 巨大的，极大的

master manipulator [məˈnɪpjuleɪtə(r)] 操控高手，擅长操纵他人的人

innocent-seeming [ˈɪnəsnt ˈsiːmɪŋ] 表面无辜的，看似无害的

scheming [ˈskiːmɪŋ] 诡计多端的，狡猾的

rob of / strip of [rɒb][strɪp] 剥夺，使丧失

lose one's mind 使精神失常，失去理智

take up with 与…来往，和…结交

be committed to [kəˈmɪtɪd] 致力于，投身于，决心做

exact revenge on [ɪɡˈzækt rɪˈvendʒ] 向…复仇，报复

semi-consciously [ˌsemɪ ˈkɒnʃəsli] 半意识地，半清醒地，有意无意中

exorcise [ˈeksɔːsaɪz] 发泄，除去，消除（不良情绪等）

latent rage [ˈleɪtənt reɪdʒ] 潜藏的愤怒

bullying sibling [ˈbʊliɪŋ ˈsɪblɪŋ] 欺负人的兄弟姐妹

intolerable vulnerability [ɪnˈtɒlərəbl ˌvʌlnərəˈbɪləti] 难以忍受的脆弱

abuse [əˈbjuːs] 虐待，伤害

fall back on 依赖，诉诸于，求助于

reassuring [ˌriːəˈʃʊərɪŋ] 令人安心的，使人放心的

irrationally [ɪˈræʃənəli] 不合理地，无理智地

be prone to anger [prəʊn] 容易生气，动辄发怒

insane [ɪnˈseɪn] 精神失常的，疯癫的

be adept at [əˈdept] 擅长，精通

polish one's reputation [ˈpɒlɪʃ][ˌrepjuˈteɪʃn] 粉饰名声，美化声誉

simultaneously [ˌsɪmlˈteɪniəsli] 同时地

enormous hostility [ɪˈnɔːməs hɒˈstɪləti] 极大的敌意

fatefully [ˈfeɪtfəli] 命中注定地，宿命地

substantially [səbˈstænʃəli] 大大地，很大程度地



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