How can I stop being a people pleaser?



Did you get roped into taking care of your neighbor's dog again? End up laughing at a colleague's awkward joke about your outfit? Or say yes to a last-minute task that your boss dropped on you out of nowhere? Your instinct may have been screaming no, but as usual you found yourself chuckling uncomfortably and reluctantly saying yes through clenched teeth.



This compulsion to avoid disappointing others is known as people-pleasing. For some, the joy derived from pleasing others can end up being a real problem, posing a threat to both physical and mental well-being.



So how can I break free then?



First and foremost, you need to learn to say no. Our desperate need to please often stems from an underlying fear of rejection or the anxiety of not being liked. In some people, this traces back to childhood, where associating the risk of displeasing someone with danger led them to develop the defense mechanism of always saying yes.



Now there's no need to make someone else feel guilty, but it's crucial that you set boundaries, and that can start with declining minor requests as frequently as possible. Mastering the art of saying no is a gradual process, and repetition is key for it to become ingrained over time. It's also about acknowledging that you can't be everyone's cup of tea, just as not everyone is yours.



Are you saying I literally can't please everyone then?



Exactly. That brings me on to my second point. You need to grasp the differences in perspectives that individuals have. Qualities like candidness, which might endear you to some, can be seen completely differently by others.



It's all about personalities, and you simply can't contort yourself to fit everyone's mold. Not only is that exhausting, but the end result isn't positive either. You need to accept not being able to control the personalities or preferences of those around you.



Do you have any final tips?



Certainly. Try not to see everything in black and white. In November 2017, The Cut ran an article entitled How to Get Over the Need to be Liked by Everyone You Meet. One of its key pieces of advice was that recognising your own skewed perception of the world is the first step towards correcting it.



Let's delve a little deeper into that idea. Our brains often trick us into thinking that others don't like us, triggering a desire to alter our behavior to gain their approval. This tendency is particularly pronounced in people who are prone to social anxiety.



Some of us are highly sensitive to the feeling of rejection, and those people tend to perceive malice everywhere. They may well think that they're being excluded in certain scenarios when it's not really the case at all. At the end of the day, try to remember that what matters most is how you perceive yourself. There you have it.



词汇表

people pleaser [ˈpliːzə(r)] 讨好者，讨好型人格，取悦他人的人

people-pleasing [ˈpiːpl ˈpliːzɪŋ] 讨好他人，取悦他人，迎合他人

get roped into [rəʊpt] 被卷入，被拉入，被迫参与

outfit [ˈaʊtfɪt] 穿搭，套装，装备

last-minute 最后一刻的，临时的

drop on（任务等）突然交给，突然安排给

out of nowhere 突然出现，毫无预兆

chuckle ['tʃʌk(ə)l] 轻笑，咯咯笑

reluctantly [rɪˈlʌktəntli] 不情愿地，勉强地

through clenched teeth [klent ˈtiːθ] 咬牙切齿地

compulsion [kəmˈpʌlʃn] 强迫行为，强烈冲动

derive from [dɪˈraɪv] 源自，来自

pose a threat to 对…构成威胁

break free 摆脱，挣脱

stem from [stem] 起源于，源于

rejection [rɪˈdʒekʃn] 拒绝，否决，排斥

displease [dɪsˈpliːz] 使不高兴，惹恼

defense mechanism [dɪˈfens ˈmekənɪzəm] （心理）防御机制

set boundaries [ˈbaʊndriz] 设立边界，划定界限

decline minor requests [dɪˈklaɪn ˈmaɪnə(r) rɪˈkwestz] 拒绝小请求

ingrained [ɪnˈɡreɪnd]  （习惯或观念）根深蒂固的，日久难改的

cup of tea 喜欢的人或事物，合心意的东西

candidness [ˈkændɪdnəs] 坦率，直率

endear you to [ɪnˈdɪə(r)] 使受喜爱，使受欢迎

contort [kənˈtɔːt] （使）扭曲，歪曲

fit everyone's mold [məʊld] 迎合所有人的期待，符合所有人的标准

see things in black and white 非黑即白地看待事物，看待事物过于绝对化

skewed perception [skjuːd pəˈsepʃn] 歪曲的认知，偏差的看法

delve deep into [delv] 深入探究，深入钻研

trick someone into 欺骗某人做，使某人不知不觉地做

pronounced [prəˈnaʊnst] 明显的，显著的

be highly sensitive to [ˈsensətɪv] 对…高度敏感，对…非常敏感

malice [ˈmælɪs] 恶意，怨恨



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