Why Criticism Can Hurt So Much?

To be criticised is never pleasant. It is rarely a good day when we have to read an unflattering social media post about ourselves, when we are given harsh feedback on a project, or hear that we are being gossiped about by strangers. However, the question of how much criticism needs to hurt depends on something which has nothing to do with the specific attack we happen to face: how much we happen to like ourselves.

The degree to which we buckle in the wake of negative comments reflects how we, deep down, feel about ourselves. When we carry within us a sufficient ballast of love, criticism need never be very much more than niggling. We can overcome it by dinner time – or at least the end of the week. We can take on board with relative good humour that we are not necessarily loved by everyone, that not everything we do is perfect, and that there may be one or two outright enemies, who would prefer us dead – even while most people tolerate us easily enough. There need be nothing surprising or terrifying in being doubted by a few others.

But for the more vulnerable ones among us, there is no option but to experience criticism as an assault on our very right to exist. We don't hear that we are being mildly upbraided for an aspect of our work; we at once feel that we are being told to disappear. It isn't just one or two people who are mocking us; the whole world is apparently thinking only of how ridiculous we are. We will never get past this moment of negative assessment; the hatred will never end. It's a catastrophe.

If criticism from outside proves devastating, it is because it so readily joins forces with an infinitely more strident and more aggressive form of criticism that has long existed inside of us. We are already struggling so hard to tolerate ourselves against inner voices that confidently assert how undeserving, ugly and devious we are, that there is no room left for us to take on further reminders of our awfulness. The key of present criticism has inserted itself into a lock of historic hatred – and let loose an unmasterable surge of self-loathing.

When we are suffering, we should remember that we aren't exceptionally weak; we almost certainly had a far worse childhood than the average person. Once upon a time, we were probably humiliated and shamed without being soothed, held or reassured, and this is why we now take current criticism so much to heart.

We don't know how to defend ourselves against our enemies because we have never been deeply appreciated. We already hate ourselves so much more than our worst enemies ever will. A part of us is responding to adult challenges with the vulnerability of a child who faced disdain on a scale they couldn't master. The present challenge feels like a catastrophe because catastrophe is precisely what was once endured.

We may not easily be able to stop feeling unhappy about criticism, but at least we can change what we feel unhappy about. Our vulnerability need not be – as we initially and instinctively think – a sign that we are actively awful. It is evidence that we were, long ago, denied the sort of love that we would have needed in order to remain more steadily and generously on our own side at moments of difficulty.

词汇表
unflattering [ʌn'flæt(ə)rɪŋ] 贬损的，有损形象的，负面的
harsh [hɑː(r)ʃ] 严厉的，苛刻的，刺耳的
gossip [ˈɡɒsɪp] 闲聊，说闲话，传播流言蜚语
buckle ['bʌk(ə)l] 压垮；屈服；弯曲
in the wake of 在……之后；随着……发生
a sufficient ballast of love ['bæləst] 足够平稳的爱
ballast ['bæləst]（船的）压舱物；（气球的）镇重物
niggling [ˈnɪɡlɪŋ] 无关紧要的事，过于琐碎的工作
take on board 理解，接受，考虑
outright [aʊtˈraɪt] 完全的，彻底的；直率的
(have) no option but to 别无选择，只能
assault [əˈsɔːlt] 攻击，袭击，突击
mildly ['maɪldli] 轻微地，适度地，温和地
upbraid [ʌp'breɪd] 责备，训斥
mock [mɒk]  嘲笑，嘲弄，模仿
get past 度过困难时期（克服悲伤，走出困境）
negative assessment [ə'sesmənt] 负面评价
hatred [ˈheɪtrɪd] 仇恨，憎恨，厌恶
catastrophe [kə'tæstrəfi] 灾难，灾祸，不幸事件
devastating [ˈdevəˌsteɪtɪŋ] 毁灭性的，极具破坏力的
readily ['redɪli] 容易地，迅速地；乐意地
join forces with 联合，联手，合作
infinitely [ˈɪnfɪnətli] 无限地；非常，极其
strident ['straɪd(ə)nt] 刺耳的，尖锐的，咄咄逼人的
aggressive [ə'ɡresɪv] 侵略的，攻击性的，咄咄逼人的
assert [əˈsɜː(r)t] 断言，声称，主张
undeserving [ˌʌndɪ'zɜ:vɪŋ] 不值得的，不配受到的
devious [ˈdiːviəs] 狡诈的，不正直的
insert into [ɪnˈsɜː(r)t] 插入，嵌入
let loose 释放，放任，放出
unmasterable [ʌnmɑːstərəbəl] 无法掌握的，难以驾驭的
surge [sɜː(r)dʒ]（强烈感情的）突发，爆发，翻涌
self-loathing [ˌselfˈləʊðɪŋ] 自我厌恶
exceptionally [ɪkˈsepʃ(ə)nəli] 格外地，特别地，异常地
humiliate / shame [hjuːˈmɪlieɪt][ʃeɪm] 使羞愧，使蒙辱，使丢脸
soothe   [suːð] 安慰，安抚，使平静，缓和
reassure [ˌriːəˈʃʊə(r)]  安慰，使安心，使消除疑虑
take to heart 十分在意，耿耿于怀
vulnerability [ˌvʌlnərə'bɪlətɪ] 脆弱性；弱点
disdain [dɪs'deɪn] 蔑视，鄙视
endure [ɪnˈdjʊə(r)] 经受，忍受，持续存在
instinctively [ɪn'stɪŋktɪvlɪ] 本能地，凭直觉地
deny [dɪ'naɪ] 不允许，剥夺，拒绝给予
steadily ['stedɪlɪ] 坚定地，镇定地

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