Obsessed with someone? It might be limerence



Have you ever spent countless hours idly daydreaming about another? The mere inkling of an encounter, or even a simple DM reply, sending you into euphoria and reinforcing your belief that you simply can't live without them?



For many, this could be considered the rumination of a hopeless romantic. But what if these thoughts and feelings begin to take a far more detrimental hold on your personal and work life?



Limerence is an addictive form of romantic attraction, First defined in the late 1970s by American psychologist Dorothy Tenov. In contrast to a simple crush, which can come and go with little psychological impact, or a romantic engagement that can be mutually beneficial for both parties, limerence is an addictive intoxication with the pursuit of feeling in love.



Tenov interviewed 500 anonymous individuals and concluded a person going through a limerent episode as having the following core characteristics:



You obsessively think and fantasize about the person. Every song reminds you of them. You go out of your way to bring them up in conversation with others. You intricately plan your schedule in the hope you might just bump into them. They even appear vividly in your dreams.



You constantly crave and long for their reciprocation. They are in your mind and you want you to be in theirs. Perhaps you'll just send one more text or that funny cat meme you just saw earlier. And when they do finally reply, you get a little thrill of satisfaction.



Like a detective, you endlessly search for clues that they indeed do want you to. You overanalyze and replay each encounter with them, every word spoken, each gesture and every eye glance.



And finally, you put them on a pedestal. Any flaws they may have pale in comparison. Quite simply, they are the most perfect individual in the universe, and they can do no wrong.



All of this can lead to an exhausting and relentless lifestyle, where instead of a person focusing on a balanced life and work schedule, their main raison d'etre is a pursuit of affection from the limerent object.



Ternov coined the term limerent object, or LO for short, because in the eyes of a person undergoing limerence, the desired becomes an object to project romantic feelings upon, rather than a person to interact romantic feelings with.



Limerence can take form in a number of scenarios, but one of the most common is when an LO is unavailable due to already being in a committed relationship. If the limerent person believes the LO is sending them mixed signals and interest appears to be requited, then limerence may strengthen and last for months or even years.



Building on the work of Ternov, psychologist Albert Waken estimates that around 5% of the US population struggle with limerence and describes the condition as a combination of obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction. So if you're in the throes of limerence or you know someone that is, what can you do to counter it?



The first is abstinence. Like other addictions, acknowledging that you first have a problem and then diligently cutting off the source which is fueling the negative habit is a powerful countermeasure. In the case of limerence, that means cutting off all contact with your LO, hiding them on social media and avoiding them in public. Of course this can be immensely difficult, especially if you work with them or share a close mutual friendship group.



The second is to refocus your limerence onto a more suitable romantic candidate and that over time your feelings towards your original LO will dissipate.



And last but not least, you own up and tell them in the hope that either the feelings are reciprocated or a suitable response of rejection is given. For better or worse, at least you will now both know and can make adequate steps moving forward.



Limerence can be a confusing and debilitating psychological disorder, but with adequate self-realisation it can be conquered. Or, as 80s pop crooner Robert Palmer once sung, you don't have to face it, you're addicted to love.



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