Why relationships require self-Love
No animal, perhaps, can hate itself except – of course – a human being: it's one of the strangest, and most regrettable, flaws in our condition. This tendency to self-hatred is not only destructive of our spirit, it constantly undermines our efforts to establish workable relationships, for it is logically impossible to allow anyone else to love us insofar as we remain obsessed by the thought of our own loathsome natures.
Why let another think better of us than we think of ourselves? If anyone did step forward and tried to be kind to us, we would have to despise them with the intensity owed to all false flatterers.
It therefore turns out that one of the central requirements of a good relationship is – surprisingly – a degree of affection for our own natures, built up over the years, largely in childhood. We need a legacy of feeling very deserving of love in order not to respond obtusely and erratically to the affections granted to us by adult partners.
Without a decent amount of self-love, the love of another person will always be prone to feel sickening and misguided – and we will self-destructively – though unconsciously – set out to repel or disappoint it. It is simply more normal and bearable to be rejected.
Our underlying disgust at our own being would only create a harrowing conflict. We would recognise that another was offering us their deep affection but, in the secret folds of our souls, we could only be certain of a mistake or delusion. We would have to reject, recoil, not follow up, push away and in a thousand small and large moves, ensure that a lover would eventually have to align their view of us with our view of ourselves.
To begin to counterbalance the hatred, we have to learn to extend compassion to ourselves for our self-lacerating impulses; and remember that how we feel about ourselves is – we can be certain – a bitter legacy of how other people, at a formative age, viewed and treated us.
The adult process of recovery involves gasping that we have indeed absorbed unduly harsh ideas about who we are, but that it is entirely in our power to begin to counteract them by imagining how a better care giver might have supported us in the past – and how a kind lover might help us in the future.
An ideal, compassionate figure at the start would have known never to equate lovability with perfection, they could have cared for us despite out coming last in the race, our missteps and our confusions.
The phrase 'self-love' misleads us when we imagine that searching for it would mean striving to acquire a conceited, pompous view of ourselves. True release from self-loathing tends to be a great deal more modest: we are only after a sane, fair and more accurate perspective on our ordinary earthly nature.
Self-love shouldn't be predicated on the competitive idea that we must pull off extraordinary feats of courage or intelligence. True love is only ever the compassion of the fallen for the fallen; it's the search by one radically imperfect being to express their tenderness at the sight of the struggles and pains of another.
We should – henceforth – allow ourselves enough self-love to be able to endure a little kindness.
词汇表
regrettable [rɪˈɡretəbl] adj. 令人遗憾的，可惜的
self-hatred [ˌself ˈheɪtrɪd] n. 自我憎恨，自我厌恶
undermine [ˌʌndəˈmaɪn] vt. 逐渐削弱，暗中破坏
workable [ˈwɜːkəbl] adj. 行得通的，切实可行的
insofar as [ˌɪnsəˈfɑː(r)] 只要，在……范围内
loathsome [ˈləʊðsəm] adj. 令人厌恶的，可憎的
despise [dɪˈspaɪz] vt. 鄙视，蔑视
be owed to [əʊd] 应归于，由于
flatterer [ˈflætərə(r)] n. 奉承者，谄媚者
legacy [ˈleɡəsi] n. 遗留物，遗留问题；后遗症
obtusely [əbˈtjuːsli] adv. 迟钝地，愚钝地
erratically [ɪˈrætɪkli] adv. 反常地，不规律地，不定地
be prone to [prəʊn] 易于，倾向于
sickening [ˈsɪkənɪŋ] adj. 令人难受的，令人厌恶的
misguided [ˌmɪsˈɡaɪdɪd] adj. 误入歧途的，搞错的
repel [rɪˈpel] vt. 排斥，抵制
underlying [ˌʌndəˈlaɪɪŋ] adj. 潜在的，暗含的
harrowing [ˈhærəʊɪŋ] adj. 痛苦的，悲惨的
secret folds 隐秘的角落，隐秘之处
delusion [dɪˈluːʒn] n. 错觉，妄想，幻想
recoil [rɪˈkɔɪl] vi. 退缩，畏缩
align with [əˈlaɪn] 与…一致，使契合
counterbalance [ˌkaʊntəˈbæləns] vt. 抵消，弥补，平衡
compassion [kəmˈpæʃn] n. 同情，怜悯
self-lacerating [ˌself ˈlæsəreɪtɪŋ] adj. 自我折磨的，自我伤害的
formative age [ˈfɔːmətɪv] 成长关键期，形成期
unduly harsh [ˌʌnˈdjuːli hɑːʃ] 过于苛刻的，过分严厉的
counteract [ˌkaʊntəˈrækt] vt. 对抗，抵消
compassionate [kəmˈpæʃənət] adj. 富有同情心的，怜悯的
equate with [ɪˈkweɪt] 把…等同于，看作相同
lovability [ˌlʌvəˈbɪləti] n. 可爱之处，可爱，讨人喜欢
misstep [ˈmɪsstep] n. 失误，错误
conceited [kənˈsiːtɪd] adj. 自负的，自高自大的
pompous [ˈpɒmpəs] adj. 浮夸的，自大的，傲慢的
self-loathing [ˌself ˈləʊðɪŋ] n. 自我厌恶，憎恨自己
sane [seɪn] adj. 理智的，清醒的
earthly [ˈɜːθli] adj. 人间的，尘世的，世俗的
be predicated on [ˈpredɪkeɪtɪd] 以…为基础，基于
feat [fiːt] n. 功绩，壮举，英勇事迹
the fallen 失意者，落魄之人
radically [ˈrædɪkəli] adv. 彻底地，极度地，完全地
tenderness [ˈtendənəs] n. 温柔，温情，柔情
henceforth [ˌhensˈfɔːθ] adv. 从今往后，自此以后
endure [ɪnˈdjʊə(r)] vt. 承受，容忍，忍耐
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